对不起~~

最近都不知道怎么啦~
整个人很累很累~~

课程都不是很packed，可是却很爱睡~~

对不起爱玲，我不该连累你~~
我不该让你烦恼，让你帮我~对不起~

其实，当我跟他说清楚的那一刻，我就预了我们会连朋友都没得做`~

算了吧，就这样失去了一个朋友，一个好朋友~
但，还是要谢谢你帮我~~
最后，对不起连累到你~~~
我保证不会再有这样的事情~~

其实，我拒绝你也是有我自己的理由~
当然就我说的，你的想法~~
但，还有一个最最最严重的是，我自己的健康不是很好~~
我不想当任何人的包袱，的负担~~
因为，重来都没有人顶得顺，全部都只是会说，都是最后做不到的~~

妈咪啊妈咪，别怕，凡事交托于主~我会为你祷告~

其实说真的，每次都在安慰妈咪，告诉她说会没事的~
但说完后，自己就会躲起来自己哭~
因为我比妈咪还要怕，还要担心~

多希望我能帮她承担一切，一切的病痛我来碍~

我真的真的不知道要怎样帮她，又减少不了她的病情~~

每一天，都得带着面具去上课~
最近也一直jio人家出去~~
逼近像放轻松自己~~

就在这时候，慧熹share了一个Post~
女兒，我沒有叫屬我的人特別免於苦難。可是……在你難過的時候，有我一直在你身邊陪伴你。感谢主，感谢祢常与我同在，一路上的陪伴，陪我度过种种难关~:)

慧熹真的真的谢谢你，

在我最软弱的时候让我知道,提醒我别怕，主耶稣一直都在~
感谢主，感谢你唱与我同在，感谢你一路上的陪伴，陪伴我度过种种的难关~

这个小朋友啊，她啊还share了另一个给我~
要过基督徒的生活，单靠自己的力量是办不到的；但圣灵能托住你、支持你。假若你挣扎、抵抗、拳打脚踢，他想托住你也托不住。你应该安静放松自己；在主里面，把心里的紧张、情结通通解开，完全倚靠他。遇有重大问题，不要担心，不要忧虑，由他来为你作决定。不要为明天忧虑，他是掌管明天的主，他知道始也知道终。不要为生活的所需担忧，他会供应。一个真正得胜的基督徒，尽管面对忧虑、不安与紧张，因深信这一切都在上主的手中，他能驾驭，到最后都能顺利克服。倚靠圣灵，不但许多忧虑和内心的紧张与不安可以祛除，连许多身体与精神的病痛也会消失。 

有时候，真的觉得她像我的妈妈~一直提醒我，照顾我~哈哈，谢谢你~~


Ea,对不起~~~暂时帮不到你~~
我知道你一直都很辛苦，但记得不要放弃~~
对不起，等我好点了在帮你把~~
sorray~~

ooh no.....

buy this...

buy that....

shop here...

shop there....

am i Shopaholic????

ooh gosh....

i act lik tis since tat day we break....

Back....

d result for Uni was finally out....

i prayed tat u got d UNI n d CourSe u wan....

tat's all i can do for now....

i wanna share ur hapiness n sadness wif u...

how i wish for tat....

which UNI u get????

everythg okay???

how abt d course????

I miss you....

my dear frenz....thx for tis two days...

thx alot...

i really do appreciate it....

altot somehow i got sick n d pain at night....

i mean act it was mightnight....

n everyone is asleep...

n i hope tat i din kacau d three of u....ai ling,eileen n mee mee...^^

n one more i wanna say thx tat i got chance agn to drink somethg im waiting for...

i mean im craving for a long time...but den it's kinda waste tat im x drunk...

thx those guys who's hlping me wif d up n down just for photos....

thx for d choco....

thx for caring....

thx for d photos....

thx for makin me laugh...

n sorry when i dun talk/laugh/smile...

cz imma in pain...

but i dun wan to spoilt d mood...

n i go quiet n suffer from d pain...

wil i hav another chance???

wil i???

time's running up....

days go by days....

life go shorter by shorter...

im tired yet scared....

n tat's y i nid u....

cun u see it....

even frenz cun make me feel secure...

only u my dear....

dun u und????

im serious....n i din fool nor cheat in our relationship....

on d way bac....n i saw d sighboard...there's Sungai Siput....

n my heart sank....

my tears drops....

songs of ryan liew is just replaying in my mind...

those memories...

we had been through every difficult circumstance...

n y????

we just gotta hold on togather....

go through it...

Y?????

y does tis stupid me did somethg tats so annoying....

argh....

pls....dear.....

sorry.....pls babe pls come bac to me....

I wish....

i wish....

i wish tat u r right bside me now...

i wish to meet you now...

11/07

对不起...

知道你要考STPM了...

加油...

sorry...

keep pretending tat im okay is d best way to protect myself...

i just gotta keep pretending...

somehow...i just can pretend...

all i can do is just wait...

sorry...

argh...

SICK...

again???

ARGH...

useless...

amanda,sick is all u hav???

tats wat im used to it...

chest pain again..

tis time it was even worse den d 3rd time...

n...

i din tell anyone...

as i dun wan to seek for emphaty from others...

speaking for today's eng lesson...

mood swing b4 it...

after i saw wat Wylie sent to me...

y???

am I tat useless...

am I tat priceless???

really x chance at all????

y???

pls...

pls LORD...

just a chance wil do...

pls...

T.T

mind went blank...

x idea nor points at all...

how m I gng to sit for my exam???

wat if i cun get a band 6 for it???

wat shld i tell DAddy???

english teacher's daughter...

formally a banana cun get band 6...

how shameful...

argh.....

NO....

STOP...

presentations starts...

practice starts...

wish me luck for every single presentation...

LOrd...I pray tat i can do well in every single presentation o performance...

sofball tml...

game???

home run???

i used to miss sofbal...

cun wait to ply games...

but sorry...

im tired n sick...

x mood for tml's game...

can i ponteng???

fish...cl juniors...

wen jing...n all band juniors...

another 3 weeks...

u guys wil be in cheras for competition...

gambateh des...

take care of each other ya...

drink more water n rest more...

fully support from ur beloved ex-senior...

AMC BAND...go...go...go...ush...

angeline...

good luck n all d best...

i noe tat ur scared...

so...

i pray tat u wun get it...

but somehow deeply in my heart...

i hope n wish tat u wil get it...

cz u wil learn alot of thgs from it...

NS...it's a sweet memory for me...

it d best thg i had in my life...

i meet my dear in NS...

once we were out from NS...

distances...

faith...

problems...

quarrels...

I miss you...

I nid you...

I LOVE YOU, RYAN LIEW...

irregular weathers...

drink more water...

rest more...

take care...

pls dun fall asick...

I love you dear...

T.T

tossing and turning in bed last night....

thinking of all the memories we had together...

every night...

i lie down in bed...

i'll wet my pillow...

evry night...

o perhaps...

evry single day...

i wish for msgs o calls frm u...

but it dont seems that its coming...

its hurtful...

to know tat i wun b getting wat i wish for...

i'm scared to disturb u...

i'm scared of loosing u...

but wat i'm most scared of is...

we wun b able to be bac togather lik wat once we used to be...

Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

T.T

tired

TIRED....

ya....im really tired...

bringing a tiring n lifeless soul n body to class every single day...

my eyes r lik gold fish eyes...

red....round...n as big as fishball...haha...

rudolph's nose is wif me now...

n it's right on my face....

singing lik no one else....

crying lik ghost...

shouting lik hell....

i just tried to express everythg out....

sorry angeline, i noe im crazy...

n thx for belenja me d bread n d meal at salim...

n one more been considerate for ur jie jie d situation...

friday wif a basketbal play....

saturday wif a 1Sukan 1Murid...

den AMc for juniors...

sunday wif Church...

n choir concert...

london bridge is falling down...

n so do I...

felt down n knock my head...

how many times wil I fall???...

looks lik "big sweet potato"...

but cun hlp it...

twinkle twinkle little star...

how I wonder watcha doing in ma head...

seeing d world go round n round...

like imma hamster in it's wheel...

cun reads d words as thy go up n down...

one,two,three,four,five...

once I had a sweet relationship...

six,seven,eight,nine,ten...

den he left me all alone...

why did he left u alone?

bcz I did some mistakes...

which mistakes did u did?

there's too muc n i cun even count...

Hearty Dearly sat on a wall....

Hearty Dearly had a great fall...

all of amanda's frenz, n all of amanda's family...

couldn;t put hearty dearly togather again!

o pls....

cun u see it....

she's really getting worse....

looking pale huh????....

Star light Star bright...

d 1st star i see tonight...

i wish i may, i wish i might...

hav d wish i wish tonight...

hmmmm......i wanna say thank you to my dear frenz.....thx for being there for me.....

but somehow i wanna say sorry to.....cz actually imma running away from hospital....
sorry......i told lies......

i told u guys tat i wanna play around......but actually imma running away from d therapies.....sorry...
but dun worry....imma now spending my time in my beloved 2nd home....
-->HOSPITAL...
n having d therapies.....T-T

hmmm.....somehow i had a chance to cycle to kolej n hav a few tutorials...
den visit d park....
(sorry tat imma x tat kinda professional...)


a chance to cycle around.....
a hard n memorable experience....(cz i dunno how to cycle....)




d park....

den.....i had wonderful meals wif them at 面对面,金晶,shark (i think so...n d big dog dog) for 冰冰,
den da bao n delivery from vegas n wings....

delivery services which we cun find it over in ipoh....


面对面....

others i din take photo.....=p

n one more.....

STICKY.....n finally i got d chance ler....haha....
passion fruit d o.....

some of my SS pictures b4 i cun take it anymore.....haha.....
love me o hate me....kay....u may ignore me....haha....
smiling while i can....
posing b4 it's too late....
trying clothes which i heart b4 d chance is gone....

im tired of all tis....medicine.....therapies.....surguries...
can i just give up?????

last time there's you bsides me....
n i wun be tat scared...
staying up strong is wat i hav,cz i hav you to support me....
but now.....
wat shld i do w/o u????
cann i give up?????
i just cun stand it.....
even if im gng in to d surgery room,n imma keep on waiting for u to be here....
right bside me....
pls.....dear....
come bac to me....
i need you badly.....
dun leave me alone....

staying in my 2nd hse ain't fun at all.....
how i wish u were here....
can u????
I miss you....
I love you....
i tik of u evry singel moment....
i cun slip at all...
i cried n cried...
even if i slept....
i wake up wif tears in my eyes,
cz these sweet dreams which ur in r gonna stop...
n somehow i dun wanna wake up...
i dun wanna loose u....
i really do....

考试期间...(kinda late post...)

原本是在考试那段期间里写的，写完了没放上来...现在才放...

考试期间的我,生病了...

DAY　１

没你在身边，生病了，真的很辛苦...加上又考试...

ＤＡＹ　２

从library回来，始终读不了书．．．

ＤＡＹ　３

　
从来没好过．．．病还是连续．．．

ＤＡＹ　４
　
　
－我的眼睛睁不开了
－我的食物

ＤＡＹ　５



没有你．．．．
我真的不行．．．

exam ends....and how she go though it....

paper 是考完了，大家都说MERDEKA了...但我一点都不觉得...一点也不期待假期的到来...没有你的假期还算得了什么？？？这SEM BREAK对我来说一点都不期待...我不喜欢...很痛苦...加上这次的考试，说老实话，我没读到...会fail吗？？？我七月需要resit吗？？？（tochwood...)我不想，但是我真的没读到书...觉得自己很矛盾，真的真的好像放弃，但又怕不及格...好没用...但我可以说的是，SEM 2 就这样的过了，还有11个SEM...我能吗？？？没有你的日子真的好痛苦...区区的半个SEM，我都不能了...真的很辛苦...DEAR，回来好吗？？？我真的不能没有你...对不起...

这几天，眼睛都被我哭得红红肿肿的...比金鱼的眼睛还要肿...原本的眼睛都已经不是很大粒的，再肿下去，简直就剩下一条线...但我真的真的很想哭，我再也控制不了...泪水就这样，一直往下流...哭包回来了...哭包很勉强的是自己快乐起来，但她失败了...哭包带着那笑脸的面具很辛苦...因为这不是她...她尽量做回自己，在另一头的当儿快乐起来...但她做不到...哭包有一个family了，她的妈妈——okelly phang, 哭包的爸爸——ven feng,但他说我不是他的，因为我很白渥，他说我是妈妈跟小白脸的...='(...哭包的uncle——chiong hung,也就是妈妈的小白脸...然后还有alice她们,就是prasekolah那班华人...这个family给我带来了不少的欢乐，谢谢你们...

然后，阿姐...对不起...我知道你一直都很关心我，一直都劝我放...我也知道有好几次都让你好失望...对不起...你都知道我是很固执的，依我性格，我认定的人，或事物...我是不会放弃的...就算后果是不值得，我会更累，更伤，更痛苦，我还是不会放弃....对不起...还有，我开始不会说出任何的事情了...看了这你就会明白...对不起...《她》

（abt u follow me,jus wanna tell it's okay now....cz x one wil see my blog ady.....especially him...SAD huh???ya....it's really sad and hurt....)

can anyone make me smile???can anyone teach me how can I save it?????
dear....can u see tis????my life is really miserable w/o u.....im x lying....it's true.....
sorry....i really din mean it n i noe sorry wun turn bac time...
but i really hope u und...and giv me another chance....
hope u enjoy ur holidays,n im glad to noe tat ur bac to ur hometown safely...

AND IM HERE TO WISH EVERYONE......HAPPY HOLIDAY......
ENJOY URSELF DURING HOLIDAY.....BUT DO OWEZ RMB....SAFETY 1ST.....
TATA....

I DUN WANNA STUDY...

CAN I GIV UP????

IMMA REALLY STRESS....

I DUN WANNA STUDY ANYMORE.....

ARGH.....

BUT DEN IM SCARED....

IM SCARED TAT IF I DUN STUDY....

I MIGHT X PASS MY EXAM...

IS D FINAL.....

IS X A JOKE.....

TIS EXAM IS IMPORTANT....

SILLY AMANDA.....

NOOB AMANDA.....

USELESS AMANDA.....

ISH..ISH..ISH...

STUPID KS...

STUPID PJ...

STUPID PC2.....

I HATE YOU.....

I REALLY DUN HAV D MOOD AT ALL....

NOT EVEN A LIT BIT OF THEM....

NOT IN D RIGHT TIME,RIGHT PLACE,RIGHT...

WATEVER.....

ARGH....

I JUST WANNA CRY.......

='(...

HOW I WISH UR HERE....

JUST RIGHT BSIDE ME....

HLPING ME WIF MY STUDIES....

DEAR, I NID YOU....

I REALLY DO NID YOU.....

WUUUUUUUUUU...........='(...

OH LORD......

PLEASE....

GUIDE ME....

LEAD ME....

IM SO STRESSED UP....

KINDA FEEDUP WIF THOS PAPERS....

THERE'S STIL 3 MORE TO GO.....

ARGH.....

IM SO LOST...

SO SAD....

SO MOODY...

IM TIRED WIF ALL THOS TREATMENTS TAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH....

AND ALL THOS MEDICINES TAT I HAVE....

VISIT d HOSP TWICE A MONTH....

ARGH....

IM GONNA BE CRAZY SOON....

VERY SOON.....

I CUN STAND IT.....

I CUN EXPRESS MYSELF....

I CUN BE D REAL ME ANY MORE...

D TELL D TRUTH.....

I CUN EVEN CONTINUE MY LIFE W/O HIM....

IM SUFFERING....

WEARING A FAKE MASK TO CLASS....

MAKING A FAKE SMILE WHENEVER I SEE PPL PASS BY...

O EVEN SOMETIMES, I DIN EVEN SMILE....

I CUN MAKE IT...

EVIONE IS LIKE....

OOH MY....SHE'S COOL...DUN EVEN GO NEAR HER...

ARGH....

FOCUSING MYSELF TO LAUGH, TO SMILE....

TELLING MYSELF,TRY TO ENJOY EVERYTHG....

BUT D REAL ME????

X ONE SEE IT..

X ONE NOES ABT IT....

MB I CAN GET D BEST ACTRESS AWARD....

HIDING MYSELF...MY TRUE FEELING FRM EVERYONE...

ACTING LIK IMMA OWEZ OKAY...BUT DEN D TRUTH IS...IMMA NOT...

EVERYONE IS GIVING UP ON ME....

THY SAY TAT AMANDA'S DEGIL.....

LET HER BE....

DUN BOTHER....

SORRY....IMMA DEGIL....

I ADMIT IT...

AND I NOE IMMA STUPID...

BUT DEN....HE'S D ONE I LOVE...

HE'S D ONE I GAVE EVRYTHG...

I TRY MY BEST TO BE D BEST WHENEVER IM INFRONT OF HIM....

I DIN PLAY NOR FOOL AROUND...

IM OWEZ SERIOUS....

THER'S X ONE PERFECT IN TIS WORLD..

X EVEN GOD.....SOMEHOW GOD MADE MISTAKES TO....

EVERYONE HAV THEIR OWN PRO AND CON...

AND D MOST IMPORTANT THG IS TAT WHENEVER U MADE TAT MISTAKES,REALIZED IT AND CHANGED IT.....DUN EVER DO IT AGN...

I CHANGED....

AND I JUST USED A LONGER TIME TO DO SO....

BUT DEN X EVEN A SINGLE TINNY LITTLE CHANCE IS GIVEN...

KAY....TATS ENUF....
SHE HAS BIG RED GOLDFISH EYES....N RED RUDOLF NOSE NOW...
AND ONCE AGAIN....SHE GOTTA GO BAC TO D REALITY LIFE...
AND STARTS TO ACT...